|..: Last night, in my dream, I saw Episode I.|
I found myself in a packed movie house. Sitting. At the back, on the floor. There were many others there too, including this whiny kid, who kept talking. I was really late coming in, so I got the feeling that I already missed about a half hour or so. But I was just glad to be there! The scene now was some shot in a hallway, and it was so plain that I swear it was some hospital hallway here in Santa Monica. And there weren't any aliens or droids anywhere. Just some guy dressed in a Jedi robe who looked like Harvey Feinstein. The dialogue was very low decibel, and I could barely hear the actors. And nobody that was supposed to be in the movie was in this scene. I thought for a moment, I was in the wrong movie, but the theatre was so crowded it had to be the real thing. And there wasn't any music.
Then a cut to the next scene. A highway, like somewhere in Arizona. POV from top of cliff, looking down on black stretch of 2-way interstate. Luke's landspeeder races and passes a classic red Corvette. They race around the corner, and are gone.
That whining kid sitting back here with us is really getting on my nerves. I lean over and tell him to be quiet. This is a religious experience for me. So shut up. I'm getting mad. He keeps talking and making thunderous noises. Finally, I can no longer ignore him and I get up, grab the child by the collar and physically remove him from the theatre. I am terrified that his mom will see me doing this, and clobber me with her purse. But she never appears. I worry that my friends will think I've gone mad. But this is Episode I. And the kid is truly not a fan. If he comes back in, I'll kill him with my bare hands.
Then finally, a Jedi. It's Obi-wan, and he's on the roof of some building in Coruscant. A single-person transport on repulsorlifts carries him to another rooftop. He's looks just like he does in all the pictures, but it doesn't quite look like Ewan. And the lightsaber he carries is flopped over at the handle, like it's made from a rolled up ID4 poster painted green. I can't hear what he might be saying, but the edit of him is too long, and is continuous, lasting several minutes. And then the music, it was a mindless loop of samples taken from the old Trilogy. I recognized a little Hoth here, a little Ewok celebration there. And the loop was so short, it was like a video game. Then Obi-wan goes and hides behind this shed, and I still see him, like he's a Half-life character and he's recharging or something.
At this point I lean over and ask my friend, did I already miss the pod race? Yes. Howabout the Jedi council, and Yoda? Yes again. Um, what about all the talk of this being a super great movie, enough to make Speilberg pee in his pants? I sit and wait for the next scene.
Passengers. Loading from the Santa Monica hospital into some sort of transport. Underwater. Great, the underwater battle! Aliens and characters take their seats, and through the windows you see the clear blue water. Then the camera reveals the transport vessel itself, a creature that is a big turtle. It's supposed to be this massive Titanic sized turtle, but anyone looking at the screen can tell the turtle is about 1 foot long, and has some cute name like Henry. Henry moves along slowly, as I guess he should. A battle? In an underwater turtle? But each step he takes is massive. The THX fills the room with distict booms, pairs of booms that are faintly followed by echoes. In my dreamer's memory I recall reading an article about this scene in particular; Lucas had heard only two booms, and thought that since the turtle has four legs there should be another more quiet set of sounds following the primary sounds. The turtle's footsteps filled the theatre. This little Sea World turtle was chugging along. And from behind it comes this other turtle, about twice as big. It can walk on two legs, and is trying to teach the little turtle to also walk on two legs.
My mom comes into the theatre, with me dad. She says something about shopping, and how we have to leave. So, forty minutes into Episode I, I leave with my mom.
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