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..: Largest Jail System in the World
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I'm at sort a point of crisis in my life. Perhaps as a result of the kind of company I used to keep, I have found that for the most part, I don't like socializing. I think that while I do like people, and all the stuff they ooze, I just don't like the unpredictability of socializing, or hosting. Last night I was in the garage at Villa Isabella, cleaning my car. Steve from unit 309 comes over, starts talking. it was the first time we had ever met. it was the first person in the complex i ever met, since everyone makes it a point to not talk to one another unless absolutely necessary. he is a big guy, so of course i talk to him. turns out, he played football at USC, graduated in '92. he is a part time reserve fire fighter with culver city. he says that fire fighting is one of the most competitive jobs to break into. he attributes that to the privilege to get paid to work in a severely team environment with good benefits and hours. he is also studying auto painting, and says my acura has a better paint job on it (something about orange peel, whatever) than the new bmw in the garage. says he's almost ready to repaint his 10 year old Mustang. Got a Saleen wing and ground effects ready to go. Gonna get 18" rims when he's got 2 grand to spare. has new tail lights too. his wife claire is expecting a boy on 3 months. they have lived here 1.5 years. he is the youth group leader at his presbyterian church and just had a ton of kids over for a sleepover. they spent about $170 on junk food to sustain the kids. they all stayed up until 4am. steve says he would love for all of us to get together, have dinner or something sometime. I believe him. i think sometimes when i meet other christians, they want to convert me. i always study them, especially the physically big people with charisma, and i see how they work their spirituality into the conversation. he did so with casualness but with an strange apologetic tone, like the church was too picky about too many things, and you should ignore most of what you know about denomination, etc. To be that brisk is dangerous, i didn't like that. anyway, he talked a lot. the whole time i was really hungry, just needed to go upstairs and eat. had lots to do.

The past Sunday, the speaker at church was the Chaplain of the LA County Jail System. The largest jail system in the world. the main point of his message was that i ought to invest more in people's lives. this is something i've known for quite some time. i often imagine that the investment i put into the lives of my coworkers will count as ministry, but as yet i have seen no evidence that these credits transfer, since i am getting paid for it and all. and there are no small groups close to me in west la. at least none that i think i can stomach. it has left me quite alone. i see my family drifting apart, and my sister is finally starting to let go of her enthusiasm. she's tried desperately to keep us all together, but i stopped quite a while ago. so how do i do it? How do i get more involved with people's lives? that's a big mystery to me, considering i can only stand certain people, and even them for a certain limited amount of time. I knew i was in the right church when my pastor mentioned that he didn't like people all that much as a youth. that's me, i thought. that's me right now. antisocial, pleased to be alone. that's caused many a problem with kj, so she's just about the only one allowed free access.

Problem is, I'm getting married soon. And you know what that means. Married people withdraw into the dark, and never hang out with single people, or old friends again, except by strict invitation. I worry that I will never see people ever again if i don't change something now. Then sometimes I imagine that after my wedding I will see so many old friends that somehow, i will feel compelled to keep in touch with them, thereby reestablishing old friendships. then, i sigh and know that won't happen. ugh. revelation is, that's what this damn ragebomb is. one way communication, friendship on my terms, sharing and conversation on my terms, which really is one way, self centered and non caring. hmm, that's bad i think. it's sounds so bad when i say it like that.
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